sleepless nights

It's shortly after 1 am and I can't sleep. 12 hours ago my brothers were having their Surprise 50th birthday party that I wasn't invited to. Oh wait, yes I was. Only after my dad called one of their wives to bring it to her attention that I hadn't been invited. I finally got my invitation in the mail less than 48 hours before the party. Family shouldn't be an afterthought.

I don't have the kind of job where I can just leave early for a birthday party with short notice. I wasn't able to go to the party. If I would have known about the party a week ago I could have gone. You have no idea how much that hurt me. NO IDEA. I was the only one that wasn't there. There were family members from Texas that made the trip for this party. There was a cousin there that I hadn't seen in 13 years that I didn't get to see because I DIDN'T GET AN INVITATION on time. I shouldn't have to beg for an invitation to my own brothers' party. Hell, my dad's ex wife and her family were even invited. I saw pictures and video of the party. Looked fun, wish I could have made it.

As if I wasn't in enough pain from not being able to attend I got another whammy. Nobody stuck up for me at the party. I was told that the boys would know that I wanted to be there but since I had to beg for an invitation at the last minute I wasn't able to attend. That messege didn't get relayed. I was let down today. I've had so many emotions tonight. I've felt hurt, let down, disappointed, anger, RAGE, regret, left out, etc.

I've cried so much tonight that my eyes hurt. They are swollen. All I want to do is go to sleep but I can't. I have so many thoughts running through my head that I can't relax enough to go to sleep. I can't remember the last time I cried for this many hours in one night. The hardest part is being let down by someone that I didn't think would do that to me. I'm supposed to understand why my messege wasn't delivered but I can't. I just asked one simple thing. Please let them know why I wasn't there. Let them know that it wasn't my fault. That didn't happen. I look like the asshole. I look like I don't care enough to get time off work for my brothers birthday. I'm hurt but the hardest part is the feeling of disappoinment.