Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Riiiiiight. Uh huh. I believe it. NOT!!!!

Nicole Kidman credits fertile water with pregnancy
Sept. 23, 2008, 9:46 PM EST
SYDNEY, Australia (AP) -- Oscar-winning actress Nicole Kidman said swimming in Australian Outback "fertility waters" during production of her latest film may have contributed to her unexpected pregnancy over the past year.

The 41-year-old Aussie, who gave birth to daughter Sunday Rose in July, said she and six other women who swam in the waters of a small Outback town during production of the epic romance "Australia" fell pregnant.

"I never thought that I would get pregnant and give birth to a child, but it happened on this movie," Kidman told The Australian Women's Weekly in an exclusive interview for the magazine's 75th anniversary edition, released Wednesday.

.....................................................................

She fell pregnant? How does that happen? Did she trip over a pile of sperm and somehow it made it's way to her egg?

"I never thought that I would get pregnant and give birth to a child, but it happened on this movie," WTF???? What did she think she was going to give birth to? When someone gets pregnant it USUALLY results in a child. I've never seen a human give birth to a kangaroo. Honestly though, I don't think she was pregnant. I think she faked it and someone else had her baby for her. I think she used a fake belly. Hey Kidman, if you believe in fertility waters I've got a gallon jug from the fountain of youth I'll sell ya. It's full of botox and collogen. Oh wait, she already has plenty of that.

DKM DKM DKM

DROPKICK MURPHYS
VAL AIR BALLROOM
NOVEMBER 19TH
I'M SOOOO THERE WITH JENNY AND HER MOM.

Friday, September 19, 2008

I know how to pick 'em

My 6th grade boyfriend is currently in jail complete with a neck tattoo and a $50,000 bond for intent to deliver Meth. I guess he wasn't going to sell it because he didn't get busted for a tax stamp. I didn't really like him. I was forced to be his "girlfriend" by my friends. It lasted all of maybe 3 weeks but we did smooch. Just a few pecks. No tonsil hockey with him. It was pretty much true love. I wonder where that relationship went wrong? Another boy that liked me around that same time went to jail for shooting someone or trying to shoot someone. I'm not sure which one. I really knew how to attract the winners, didn't I?

DWTS

I'm sitting here watching The View and I just saw a commercial for the new season of Dancing with the Stars. It was the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. It was all the guys dancing to Right Said Fred's "I'm too sexy". I'm going to say right now that I don't think any of those men are sexy. I think they are all very creepy. They look like they should be all greased up and in a calendar. You know what I'm talking about. Those calendars that are full of creepy greased up men wearing g-strings and posing in uncomfortable positions but it doesn't matter if they are uncomfortable because that position makes their muscles look just right. I'm going to go as far as saying that in most of those calendars 11 out of 12 months those men have the creepiest faces I've ever seen. I guess their face isn't what most people are looking at though. In my opinion there hasn't been a sexy male dancer since Johnny Castle. Just sayin, if there were a 12 month calendar of Patrick Swayze I know who would have one. My friend Jenny. I would buy her one for xmas. That is a good idea. Maybe I'll make her one. I think her ancestors were from Swayzesgay, Georgia. Inside joke. The funny part is she doesn't even read this so I'm just writing it to make myself laugh. HA!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

sleepless nights

It's shortly after 1 am and I can't sleep. 12 hours ago my brothers were having their Surprise 50th birthday party that I wasn't invited to. Oh wait, yes I was. Only after my dad called one of their wives to bring it to her attention that I hadn't been invited. I finally got my invitation in the mail less than 48 hours before the party. Family shouldn't be an afterthought.

I don't have the kind of job where I can just leave early for a birthday party with short notice. I wasn't able to go to the party. If I would have known about the party a week ago I could have gone. You have no idea how much that hurt me. NO IDEA. I was the only one that wasn't there. There were family members from Texas that made the trip for this party. There was a cousin there that I hadn't seen in 13 years that I didn't get to see because I DIDN'T GET AN INVITATION on time. I shouldn't have to beg for an invitation to my own brothers' party. Hell, my dad's ex wife and her family were even invited. I saw pictures and video of the party. Looked fun, wish I could have made it.

As if I wasn't in enough pain from not being able to attend I got another whammy. Nobody stuck up for me at the party. I was told that the boys would know that I wanted to be there but since I had to beg for an invitation at the last minute I wasn't able to attend. That messege didn't get relayed. I was let down today. I've had so many emotions tonight. I've felt hurt, let down, disappointed, anger, RAGE, regret, left out, etc.

I've cried so much tonight that my eyes hurt. They are swollen. All I want to do is go to sleep but I can't. I have so many thoughts running through my head that I can't relax enough to go to sleep. I can't remember the last time I cried for this many hours in one night. The hardest part is being let down by someone that I didn't think would do that to me. I'm supposed to understand why my messege wasn't delivered but I can't. I just asked one simple thing. Please let them know why I wasn't there. Let them know that it wasn't my fault. That didn't happen. I look like the asshole. I look like I don't care enough to get time off work for my brothers birthday. I'm hurt but the hardest part is the feeling of disappoinment.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

All we need is a DINK and a BOMB!!!!!!

So as I'm sitting watching the Cubs game I figure there is no time like the present to finally get on that blog about the game. Not that anyone really cares but whatev.

To pick up where I left off in my last Chicago Blog. They finally opened the gates and we all got through the security checks and started filing in. I had no idea people took it so seriously. There were all kinds of people RUNNING up the ramp to get to the bleachers. Since we didn't really know what we were doing we just continued walking. We got there and had the discussion for a minute of where do you want to sit? I don't care, where do you want to sit? I don't care. Finally I took the lead and sat us down. We were in left center field. 5 rows up from the field on the aisle. Pretty good seats if you ask me. We watched batting practice and such.

When we were sitting there waiting for the game to start Jim Edmonds, I believe, threw a ball up into the crowd. The guy in front of us caught it. His wife was off getting something to drink or something. He was so excited and didn't have anyone to tell so he decided he would take a picture of himself with the ball.


There were a man and woman sitting behind us. The woman was behind me. She obviously knew everything there was to know about everything and the guy knew nothing. She had no problems informing him on every detail of the game. He made the mistake of trying to give Zambrano the nickname Zambrani. She wasn't having it. Everytime he would say it she would correct him and say "NO it's BIG Z" Whatever. First inning starts. Soriano hit a homerun in the first. Everyone jumped up and cheered. In the process the "smart" bitch behind spilled beer all over my back. I understand it was an accident. I don't doubt that at all. The part that really pissed me off was she never said she was sorry. I would have accepted her apology. NOOO. She must have had the longest legs ever because she obviously needed all her leg room and all of my seating area for those mile long legs. She dug her knee into my spine continuously. I just leaned back and rubbed that beer all over her knees. I know that since we were in the bleachers people would bump me. No problem. It was the constant digging into my vertebrae that was annoying me. Then at one point she said "uh oh, everything is spinning. I feel like I'm gonna puke" I don't know if any of you have had someone sitting above you say that but it is not a good feeling. I was worried that I was going to have regergatated beer on my back. Then her and the guy kept saying the phrase "I got your (enter double en tundra)" Example. "I got your 2 balls" Could mean the pitch count or, well, ya know. That would be funny. Well they were saying that about everything. At one point, and I'm not making this up, she said "I've heard Edmonds can be a jerk sometimes". The guy comes back with "I got your sometimes" WHAT? What does that even mean? I was more than annoyed. Oh, then she kept saying "This person sucks balls". The self portrait people left and I had one too many jabs to the back. I finally yelled "I CAN'T HANDLE ANY MORE OF THIS SHIT" and moved down a row. So what does the bitch do? She kicks her feet up on my seat between Zeth and Jenny. I was pist.

Zambrano's first pitch.


Mark DeRosa, Jim Edmonds, Alfonso Soriano


Mark DeRosa


Ok, done with her. Another fun experience. I thought going into the bleachers that there would be a bunch of drunk obnoxious 20-something guys I would have to deal with. Not the case. The drunk obnoxious person happened to be a drunk 60-something woman. She was sitting in the next section over and needed to use the restroom. As she was walking through the row she was grabbing all of the people by the head. I thought she knew them and was messing with them (something i would do). By the look on their faces it was clear she did NOT know them. She got to the aisle and stood there for a minute. You could tell by that glossy eyed not really focused on anything look on her face that she had passed 3 sheets to the wind. She was probably closer to 7 or 8 sheets. She walked up one row and fell backwards and rolled over the girl 2 rows in front of me. Just took her out. The girl had no idea it was coming. So she stood back up and had her hands out to balance her while she said "OK 1...2...3..." like she was regaining composure. Nope. One more step and she took out the kid in front of me with the same stunt. At this point I'm thinking I'm next so I had my hands out to catch her. The usher took control of the situation and was helping her up the stairs. About 7 rows up she fell again and took someone out. She peed (i assume) and made it back without too much incident. It was fun and sad to watch. We were only in about the 3rd or 4th inning.

MY FAVE REED JOHNSON BATTING. Hey cubs fans. Can you find the guy with season tickets who always wears the green shirt and pink hat?


You can't quiet THE-RIOT


Alfonso "waste of $136 mil" Soriano



There was also a couple that got thrown out of the game.I guess the girl had gotten upset with him for some reason because she had gotten out of her seat. Walked past about 10 people in their row and yelled at him from the aisle "I'M GOING HOME RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!!" The NOW came out with that high pitched I'm getting ready to cry voice. She got really pist when when the guy waved at her. She took off back through the row as 3 ushers took off for her. They don't take lightly to cursing and attacking people I'm guessing. She was on top of this guy ready to knock his lights out. They escorted both of them out. As they were leaving the guy was saying "I'm just trying to enjoy the game" I guess he would be enjoying the rest of the game from the privacy of his own home cause he was OUTTA THERE!

Bored Bull Pen


Jenny was pretty much the coolest person in the bleachers



The game was tied 7-7 in the 9th. We were going into extra innings. 10th inning comes and goes. Still tied. Top of the 11th inning this guy comes out of nowhere to sit in front of us. He was FIRED UP! Jenny and I refer to him as Jerry. Jerry was on fire. He was yelling and trying to start the "LETS GO CUBBIES" chant. He just yelled and yelled.The usher actually told him he needed to quiet down. Then he made the mistake of yelling "WHAT IF THIS WAS THE 7TH GAME OF THE WORLD SERIES? WOULD YOU ALL BE SITTING ON YOUR FUCKIN HANDS" Like I said earlier, the ushers don't take cursing lightly. The usher was ready to kick him out right then but somehow Jerry convinced him to give him another chance. Everyone around him kept saying "but its not the 7th game of the world series" By this time Houston had scored so it was 9-7 Astros. We were defeated. At that point we were all ready for the game to be over so we could leave with our tails between our legs. Not Jerry. He wasn't going to give up. Nooo way! He kept yelling "ALL WE NEED IS A DINK AND A BOMB. A DINK AND A BOMB" I kept antagonizing him. He said something about it being the bottom of the 9th inning. I had to say "Well next time it's the bottom of the 9th we'll talk about it" He just said "Oh come on, you know what I mean" At one point Jenny and I decided to help Jerry cheer. We got up and started yelling just to make fun of him. Everyone thought it was funny. Everyone except for Zeth the fun hater. He got mad and yelled at me. Then he was trying to ump the game. He was all off on his balls and strikes but he was trying. Everyone kept asking him to leave and the usher again told him he needed to quiet down because he was ruining the game for everyone. Then he asked "can I yell Houston sucks? Will I get kicked out if I say Houston sucks?" The usher said he wouldn't get kicked out. Well duh, we were getting swept by Houston. Go ahead and yell that they suck. Anyway, nobody could get Jerry to leave. Finally the 12ish year old boy who got taken out by the drunk woman turned around and said "THERE ARE A LOT OF OTHER SEATS HERE. GO SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE" Talk about leaving with a tail between his legs. Jerry just got up and walked away. We all congradulated the kid on having the balls to tell Jerry what's up.

That is my story and I'm stickin to it.

By the way, the Cubs won tonight.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

???

Should I let it bother me that my best friend got invited to my twin brothers (Brian and Berry) 50th birthday party and I didn't? I didnt even know anything about it until she called me to see if I was going.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Sweet Home Chicago

For Labor Day I went to Chicago with Zeth and Jenny. We went to see a Cubs game. The cubs game will be the next blog. This blog will be the other things we did in Chicago.

Monday we got there and checked into our 4 1/2 star hotel on Michigan Ave. Pretty much the best hotel I've ever stayed at in Chicago. I really miss the Cass Hotel. The Cass is still there but when it had its "multi-million dollar renovation" it quadrupled the price to help pay for those renovations. They priced themselves out of my business. Anyway, our hotel was really nice and they even had complementary robes for us to use or buy for $60 (i think). When Zeth and I were headed to dinner that night the elevator doors opened and there was a man who was at least 70 standing in the elevator wearing nothing but the robe and slippers. It took everything I had to not laugh in his face. I would have given anything to have Jenny there with me. I just got in and looked down so he couldn't see me laughing silently at him. Zeth said everytime he looked over at the guy all he could see was tufts of grey chest hair sticking out of the robe. It was entertaining yet uncomfortable.


We walked up and down Michigan Ave for a while then headed back to the room to get ready for the night. Jenny was going to spend time with a friend who lives in Chicago. Zeth and I decided to go to Harry Caray's Steakhouse. I love it there. Really yummy food. Our bill ended up being $96 for the 2 of us to eat. Zeth is so expensive. When I saw the bill I said Holy Cow.



Here are pictures of Harry's Glasses and the Bartman Ball. If you don't know what the Bartman ball is let me know and I'll tell you.




After dinner we met up with Jenny at Navy Pier. (I saw Henry Blanco there with his family). It's kind of a tradition that we go there at least one night we are in Chicago. I have to take my picture of the skyline.


We went back to the hotel and got a good nights rest.

The next morning Jenny and I went down to Millenium Park to see the fun stuff down there. Zeth doesn't appreciate the art in the park so we left him back at the hotel. Jenny had never experienced the Bean before. I love the bean. It's hours of fun. Here are a few pictures of us having fun at the bean.




This one is for all of you Adventures in Babysitting fans out there. If you have never seen this 80's blockbuster then you are missing out. I love that movie and this building is my favorite building in chicago because it was featured in that movie. Jenny is hugging the building because AIB is where it's at, yo!!!


After the fun at the Bean we went to see the 2 towers where the faces appear and spit water. I've been to the park about 5 times and this feature has never been working until now. It was fun.



After all of that we walked down to Buckingham Fountain only to find out it wasn't working because they were doing work on it. Buckingham Fountain was the one that was in the intro to Married with Children. It was soooo hot that day. We did all of this stuff before noon and we were sweating so bad. We made our way back to the hotel to cool down before we headed up towards Wrigley.

While in the 54 degree hotel room Jenny found something in the bathroom. Read the box to see what it is. Read the French version.

It's a BONNET DE DOUCHE and here is Jenny sporting said Douche.

Here are a few pictures of us being stupid in the hotel room.




We hung out in the hotel for a while to cool down then decided to head up to Wrigleyville. We hopped on the El and got off at Belmont so we could do some shopping in that area and make our way to Wrigley. Zeth doesn't really like that area either but he dealt with it. We had a good time and he didn't even complain. I was proud of him. We made our way up Clark to the ballpark.

We shopped around there for a bit at all of the Cubs shops. Jenny bought a bunch of shirts. She bought one that said "I want to get to 2nd Base with Mark DeRosa". That is super fun. I wanted Zeth to get one that said "You can't QUIET THE-RIOT". He didn't want to get that one. I bought one that says "Hey Chicago What do ya say? The cubs are gonna win today" with the cubbie bear on it. We heard that you need to get in line for the bleacher seats 3-4 hours before gametime to get a good seat. We walked by about 4 hours before game time and there were quite a few people already in line.

We decided against getting in line at that time. We ended up eating a late lunch at Harry Caray's Tavern. Here are a few pictures from that.




After that we went and stood in line for the game. The gates opened at 5:00. The game started at 7:05. We got in line at about 4:15 so we didn't have to wait long.
I'm going to stop there and write all about the game in the next blog.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Really???????

TOKYO - A Japanese monk trying to rid his temple of a hornets' nest panicked when the hornets attacked him and dropped a torch, burning his temple to the ground, police said Thursday.

The Buddhist monk had put lighted rags on a stick into the nest in the temple, but dropped it and ran when the hornets flew out and attacked him, Niigata state police official Yuichi Ozaka said. The fire occurred Wednesday.

He said the monk, Atsushi Sato, 41, suffered burns on his ears, face and left hand, but he was not stung.

The temple in Ojiya City, northern Japan, was burned to the ground, along with the nest, Ozaka said.


At least he wasn't stung and he got the job done. The nest was burned to the ground and took the temple with it.


BEIJING - A once drug-addled elephant fed heroin-laced bananas by illegal traders will return home after emerging clean from a three-year detox program on China's tropical island province of Hainan.

The four-year-old bull elephant, referred to alternately as "Big Brother" or "Xiguang" in state media reports, was captured in 2005 in southwest China by traders who used spiked bananas to control him.

After police arrested the traders and freed Xiguang a few months later, the elephant was confirmed to be suffering from withdrawal symptoms and sent to a wild animal protection center in Hainan for rehab, Xinhua news agency said on Thursday.

A year of methadone injections at five times the human dosage had helped wean Xiguang off his addiction.

Now clean, Xiguang was expected to arrive on Saturday at a wildlife park in Kunming, capital of the elephant's home province of Yunnan on the mainland.

Xiguang's return would cap a 1,500-km journey home, Xinhua said, and mark another step in the elephant's triumph over addiction

I just hope the Elephant doesn't relapse. I'm sure there will be a lot of temptation out there in the wild. I hope the pressures of elephant life aren't too much for him to handle. Just remember Xiguang, hugs not drugs.

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. - Police in Port St. Lucie are on the lookout for a cross-dressing man who snatched a 74-year-old woman's purse. As if that weren't odd enough, they're depending on a strange clue. The suspect left behind a condom filled with water he had been using as a fake breast.

The woman said she believed the thief followed her while shopping. A witness told investigators he was wearing a short denim skirt and black tube top, and fled in a silver car with two other male crossdressers.

Police are processing the condom for fingerprint and DNA evidence.

Condoms? Really? Those had to be some odd shaped boobies. Hasn't this guy ever heard of water balloons?

IOWA CITY, Iowa - Iowa City police said a man who was driving drunk tried to bribe a police officer — with a sandwich.

Police said a 25-year-old man was charged with drunken driving early Sunday morning after an officer saw him driving with his headlights off.

Police said the man was riding with a police officer in a squad car when he offered the officer free sub sandwiches if he could go home.

The officer declined.

Only in Iowa.

oops

Sorry that all of my pictures are no longer available on my fair blog. I moved them into an album and it changed the link so it won't show the pictures. Quite frankly, I'm too lazy to do anything about it. I guess if you saw them you were one of the lucky ones.

I'll be working on a few new blogs soon about my trip to Chicago. Right now, though, I'm going to bed.